Hi friends:
I want to debunk right at the start the idea that there are a series of predictable steps after a major loss. No! No! No! And, that there is a set of tools you can use to walk through this predictable process. Again, no.
But I do want to share a few resources that I was able to find when John died so suddenly, or more truthfully, found me.
First, some books: Frances Weller’s “The Wild Edge of Sorrow,” Alan Wolfe’s “Understanding Your Grief”, and Megan Devine’s “It’s OK That You’re Not OK”. The last, with the subtitle “Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” is just one clue that you’re going to learn something outside the now debunked but still popular view that there are predictable and orderly stages of grief.
Second, fellow grievers: I will be grateful forever for St. Michael’s Medical Center’s Chaplain connecting me to a spouse’s grief group that met in bi-monthly zoom sessions for six months. Moderated by a trained therapist, our topics shifted from the practical (like how to show up at the grocery store and keep it together), to the dreamy (like what it would be like to travel to a place that meant a lot to the two of you – and how could you?!)
Third, a counselor focused on healing from serious grief. I believe in therapy and have availed myself of counseling most of my adult life. But having a counselor that specializes in grief for the first year after John’s death, was truly life-saving. You can search online for counselors that specifically reference grief in their bios...and check their references! My first pick was a psychopath: I'm not kidding!
The last piece: have coffee or tea with friends who “get it”. You don’t actually have to talk about the loss, just hang. You are not "wasting" your time! Something about the holiness of just being in the presence of someone who knows to their bones what you’re going through, and you them. I can attest to how important it is to know someone who can simply stand next to you when you are changing your bank account information, shaking to the bone.
Okay, I’m not an expert in grief, just a human reporting on a human experience.
Good love,
Kathleen